How About Them Apples?

Emily: When we met on OkCupid, I don’t remember reading anything in Brett’s profile about his obsession with all things Apple. But then, I am fairly certain I didn’t read his profile all that thoroughly — and now I wish I had screenshots of it, so I could go back and pour over every detail. I remember his profile picture where he was surrounded by flowers and wearing a Tesla t-shirt. He was tall. We matched in some way or another, and that was that. I wasn’t looking for much beyond a few dates, and my casual attitude towards his profile write-up supports this.

But it turns out, he’s a nut about Apple products. My phone was a Google Pixel. I thought nothing of it, but later, Brett’s friends and family all exclaimed in shock that he’d dated me despite my phone choice.

Brett: I am an Apple Fanboy. I think the word fan is fitting because it’s similar to the fan of a sports team. You follow everything that they do and often find yourself defending what they do from those who don’t understand why they did that thing, but when they do something that sucks no one gets more pissed off than you do (e.g. butterfly keyboards).

I didn’t announce my Apple fandom on any dating sites because it wouldn’t do much to help me find dates, nor did I want to chase away any quality Android/Windows users. Just because you’re misguided doesn’t mean you’re undateable, though if you voted for Trump, please swipe left.

Emily: OMG, I can’t believe he just called me misguided. I liked my Pixel. I used/use my phone for very basic things — social media, email, news, and to take pictures. I bought the Pixel because of its camera. I don’t know (or care) what the camera specs were, but it took great photos and I was suddenly able to capture my kids and pets doing all of the things in amazing ways. I loved it. I also loved that the Pixel tied directly into the Google ecosystem, giving me access to Google Drive, Gmail, unlimited photo space, photo syncing, etc. I got all of the software updates as soon as they were available, so I was able to stay in compliance with my work email. I wasn’t like EVERY OTHER iPHONE USER, I had a unique phone that was pretty cool.

Brett: I was disappointed when I discovered that Emily was a green bubble, but when we met I was impressed that she had a Pixel and not a more generic phone. Sadly most of the other Android manufacturers install a lot of crapware and useless customizations as differentiators, and in exchange their users get to wait six months for software updates if they’re lucky. Pixel users get the pure Android experience.

Emily: I still, to this day, barely understand the difference between a green bubble and a blue bubble. It makes me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t really care any less what color you are because I am WOKE AS FUCK. Brett clearly isn’t woke, because he’s still talking about green and blue bubbles, above. But fast forward and moving on, I went from a Google Pixel 1 to a Google Pixel 2 XL and I liked it for all the things except for its battery life. The battery drained like a motherfucker, and over time it really began to bother me. I’d charge my phone overnight, and by 3 p.m., I’d need to plug it in. In contrast, at 3 p.m., Brett’s phone would still be at 80% charged. Some of that was usage — I use my phone a lot more than he does (he has his Apple Watch and his iPad, and none of his iPhones are more than 1 year old), but still. It grated. But that wasn’t the thing that finally tipped me over the edge.

Brett:

Blue bubble: iMessage, a modern messaging system with typing indicators, tapbacks, high quality images/videos, screen effects, stickers, etc.

Green bubble: SMS, a messaging system literally invented in 1992.

Emily: The thing that finally made me go HELLTOTHENO was our photos from a family trip to Maine. Brett had just gotten the iPhone 11 Pro Whatever, and the pictures he took on Higgins Beach in Maine were stunning. My photos were not as good as his were, and that just wouldn’t do. We are a bit competitive about certain things, and our phones were one of those things. People, he was winning. Both of our phones were great, but his was… better. On that day, a seed was planted.

Little by little I got pulled towards the dreaded Apple. First Julia got an iPad and then Finley (sorry Amazon, the Fire tablets are junk). And they liked them. And then Finley’s phone (the old Pixel 1) was dying and Julia was about at the age where we’d agreed she could have a phone. And my Pixel 2 was dying too. And decisions needed to be made, so like the true champion goddess I am, I made them. We, the Meadows mother and children, were switching to Apple.

Brett: For ecosystem reasons I was hoping that Emily would make the switch. There are numerous benefits from being in a homogenous tech relationship. For example, whenever we both leave the house HomeKit turns all of the lights off and when we come back (and it’s dark) the lights all turn on.

But after Julia got an iPad I REALLY wanted Emily to come to the light. I used my phone to set up Julia’s screen time restrictions, but this meant that whenever Julia wanted to install a new app or extend her screen time, the request went to me (Emily could manage this in person with a passcode on the iPad, but Julia got in the habit of just pushing the requests to me). Now that Emily is part of our iCloud family I’ve been finally removed from the role of Julia’s screen time gatekeeper.

Emily: What the hell is a homogenous tech relationship? Good god, I hope it vibrates.

Brett: iPhones do vibrate.

Emily: So, yes, I made the switch — and I was very scared because I didn’t want to learn a new system, and I didn’t want to be tied down. I wanted the freedom in my phone to download whatever, do whatever, be whatever, and I had the perception that Apple would limit me. It does limit me, in some ways, and every time I find something I don’t love about the phone — I make sure to tell Brett. I find it hilarious. My complaints are many and few.

I chose the iPhone 12 Max Pro for the camera, and really haven’t yet been that impressed with the camera. Then again, we have been stuck in our house (Oh Covid, my Covid) since I bought the phone, so I can’t claim to have tried to use it in many interesting settings.

There are a TON of bells and whistles that I am slowly learning — but only when the girl teenager leans over and says “did you know XX” or when Brett says “oh, you can do XX” — which I am grateful to them for.

Oh, and the stupid alarm — when you snooze it, you can’t cancel the snooze.

The biggest beef I have is whateverthefuck agreement Apple has with Amazon where I can’t buy books, music, and audiobooks on the Amazon app (I have to use a browser). That just pisses me off. I am a heavy Amazon user of all of the things, so this is a regular point of frustration for me. Gah!

Also — the iPhone 12 Max Pro is heavy. Like, when Millie the puppy arrived, I think she was lighter than this damn phone. I have to use two hands to hold it up and scroll.

Oh my, I have done nothing but gripe about Apple and this phone, and Brett is not happy. What do I like about it all? I do like being a part of the family bubble, where we can all text and share things in the same ecosystem (like pictures). I really like some of the apps — like the Notes app — where you can create a note and share it with multiple people (kinda like a Google doc, but easier). Why? Because this makes my life easier.

Moving into the new system wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, probably because Apple makes it easy. Apple literally prides itself on making it as easy as possible to set up a new phone, and they delivered on that experience, which goes a long way. I have not-so fond memories of setting up a Samsung way back when, where I literally was hacking my way into the thing. This was not the case with Apple. Hoorah.

Brett: iOS and Android do 99% of the same things, they just do them differently. It does take a little time to learn a new platform.

I’ve never used a snooze alarm in my life. I’m pretty sure the medical industry is behind me on this.

It is true that the 12 Pro Max is a heavy phone. Stainless steel weighs more than plastic, but it’s much stronger and looks a helluva lot nicer (the non-Pro iPhones are aluminum which is much lighter).

The issue where you can’t buy digital goods in apps without giving Apple 30% is Apple’s most user-hostile policy and a major frustration of their ecosystem (I wrote about this earlier).

Emily: I do feel slightly bad that Brett feels as if he needs to defend Apple all of the time. It really isn’t his fault. However, when he gets so passionate about a product — and I mean passionate — he takes on the burden of being the complaints guy. When I say passionate, he is so well known for this obsession that he gets regular phone calls from friends and colleagues looking for a consult on their devices. I digress. Anyhow — let’s wrap this up. Will I stick with my iPhone and the Apple ecosystem? Yes, most likely. Will I trade in this heavy phone for something lighter next time? Yes, most likely. Will I find a new app with a better snooze function? Yes, definitely. Will I continue to give Brett a hard time about it all? 100%.

Brett: We now have a family iMessage group chat going that we use regularly (mostly for pet photos and updates). Also sharing photos is much easier now (Google Photos isn’t great on iOS). I’m willing to endure a few complaints for these conveniences.

Also, this year when Apple unveils the latest version of iOS Emily can get excited with me… especially if it allows you to cancel a snooze!